I find this blog very hard to write but feel that I must (so if it is a bit sporadic - you will understand). September 1st will be the two year anniversary of our beautiful baby's death. Sometimes her death seems so surreal that I wonder if it really happened, and other times the sadness and reality feel so strong that I cannot breathe.
After Jael's death it seems like I could not escape being around babies. I started working for someone who had a baby girl born one day before Jael, great friends of ours gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a month later, and I began plans to improve our church's nursery. A year later I find myself working with Shane in a young adult - young couples ministry where babies are everywhere and I do mean everywhere. And to top it off, I have started a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers).
I don't always understand what God is doing, but I do know that He has given me so much grace and mercy during these past two years; I cannot even begin to describe it to you. I have to admit that I have difficulty with the saying "God is good." My view of goodness does not look like his view goodness (if that was the case Jael would have lived), and my plans are not always his plans. But one thing I do know is that He loves me and loves Jael. Our MOPS theme verse is so appropriate "...how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." EPH 3:18. His love has been with me and my family every step of the journey.
On September 1st, I would like to invite you to release a balloon in Jael's memory. Our family has started this tradition on her birthday and it has meant a lot to us.
5 comments:
Tears are streaming down my face. . . I ache for you more deeply now than ever before. I knew your loss was tragic two years ago, but my current pregnancy invites me to enter into the depths of your pain. Jael has crossed my mind on numerous occasions lately. I suppose every mother fears, especially in the beginning, that something tragic may happen. . . The bond between mother and baby is instantaneous, at least from my experience, making the loss of that connection devastating whether it be 6 weeks into pregnancy, full term, or beyond. I, too, wrestle the intent of God. Situations like yours stir a paradox of emotion and unleash a flood of questions in my soul. . . I will never forget Jael. The events surrounding her life and the strength that surfaced in you and Shane will linger within me forever. I pray that Allen and I will open and allow God to pull us closer with the pain we will undoubtedly experience in our lives, just as you did. . . I love you.
Shane & Lori,
We will release a baloon for Jael, and will keep you all in our prayers while you continue to deal with this loss.
We love you guys and are so glad you are happy and blessed in Canada.
Love,
Lizzy ( and Joshua & girls)
I too had trouble reading this for the tears in my eyes and the sadness that overwhelmed me. Oh Lori, she was so beautiful. We will definitely release a balloon for your sweet angel.
I think about Jael often. I have wanted to stop by her memorial many times, but just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I do hope to gain the courage one day and pour my spirit out to the Lord on your behalf and find peace there for myself. From the day Shane called us in the early summer to this present day, I wrestled with accepting what was happening to your family. During the last days of your pregnancy, I found myself questioning God...we were supposed to have little ones that could grow up together, go on playdates together, experience this wonderful ride of motherhood together...why your sweet family? Why now? I couldn't (and still don't ) understand His ultimate plan...but then again, that's why He's God and I'm not. I love that you quoted the MOPS verse in your post...it truly has become one of my favorites.
I do find some peace in the joy of knowing that both our little ones that left us too soon are safe in the Father's loving arms and I await the day we can be together again. We love you so much.
What emotions have flooded my heart and mind at this time a year. It was 2 very short years ago that God blessed me with my dream, a beautiful baby girl from China, but at the same time He chose to take my neice home to be with Him - way to prematurely. I remember the days of Maci's homecoming and the days leading up to precious Jael's homegoing. I remember questioning how I could feel such joy and pain at the same time. I find myself feeling the same today as tomorrow Jael would have been 2 and a week from now, Maci will celebrate her 3rd birthday. I know the days after Maci came home and the joy that surrounded that had to be devastatingly hard for you all. I will never understand the reasons why Jael had to leave us. As we release our baloon tomorrow, we will release a prayer to God to continue to give you the grace and mercy you spoke of, a prayer of continued healing for all of our family and a prayer that all of us as parents will hold close the blessings we have been given...and cherish each and every moment. We love you Lori, Shane, Conor and Mackensey. We miss you SO very much.
Love, Tim, Shonda and Maci
Words just escape me. I hear my little one in the next room and I just can't imagine the journey to Jael's 2nd birthday. We will gladly release a balloon tomorrow in the park, knowing that's somewhere she would love to be, and remember your family in our prayers. We love you!!
Post a Comment